my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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