Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
