I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
