Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
