You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize