so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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