Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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