My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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