Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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