I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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