He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
