I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
