I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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