i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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