Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
