Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
