You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
