I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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