If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
