fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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