You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
