I wish I could teleport
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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