Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
