I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
