oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
40s are totally the cure
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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