Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Jerry, you need to find god
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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