im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
