your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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