Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
