I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
