i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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