The brown eye won't let me do that either.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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