I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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