my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
