He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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