so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
