It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
