I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
