well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
my god I love twenty year old dicks
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize