Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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