Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
not ubering you a puppy
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
