I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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