i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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