I just threw up on my dentist
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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