he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
