i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
