Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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