Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
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