you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
