Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Randomize
