i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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