there's paper in my vomit.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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