i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
