Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
