i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize