Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
