Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
