Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
